What Am I Looking For

I realize, I still have trouble with expectations. Be it my own or from people I care for, my own expectations going unfulfilled hurts but from people I care for it is even deeper. And what makes me feel worse is, these expectations from others are silent. They are never loud like my own, what people automatically expect me to do or at least, what I think they expect me to do or be or adjust for, in the end I am assuming. The thing is, I never truly know what others expect or think no matter how logical my assumption may be. I am still learning to not adjust silently when it is not blatantly asked for. I still have trouble with it to be honest, to me, expectations are heavy and hurtful. I do not even know when I started adjusting in the silence nor when it became so suffocating. Sometimes I have so much trouble with it that getting out of bed feels dreadful and doing anything else, even basic daily tasks weigh more than it probably should. I feel like I can’t let it though, because I need to be good for my family, I need to be the best example, I can’t be a burden so I need to do more, be more supportive, be stronger, less triggered, be the bigger person, ALWAYS. It is frustrating. And I don’t know what I a looking for in the end, and I don’t know who I will be if I manage to be all of these things I expect. It scares me, will I find what I am looking for when I have achieved all of my expectations? Or will I still feel as lost as I do now?

To Her Anxious Mind